You know that feeling.
The morning is calm, you’ve double-checked your outfit, the food’s prepared, and your heart is finally light about what’s ahead.
Maybe it’s your graduation, your dad’s birthday, or even a simple brunch you’ve looked forward to.
Then suddenly, chaos.
A text, a tone, a slammed door.
Somehow, the narcissist in your life finds a way to turn your peace into panic.
It took me years to realize this isn’t bad luck. It’s a pattern.
Narcissists can’t stand moments that aren’t about them.
So right before something joyful or meaningful, they’ll manufacture conflict to pull focus back where they believe it belongs: on them.
Their goal isn’t just to ruin your day, but to regain emotional control.
Whether through guilt, confusion, or exhaustion, they destabilize you before big events so that your energy stays tangled in their drama.
Below, I’ll unpack the twelve most common reasons narcissists start chaos before big moments.
More importantly, I’ll show you how to spot it, understand it, and protect your peace so your celebrations stay yours again.
Table of Contents
Why Narcissists Create Chaos Before Big Events
For narcissists, special occasions are psychological battlefields.
What you see as a celebration, they see as a threat.
- Threat to control: They can’t dictate your emotions, attention, or schedule, and that loss of control terrifies them.
- Threat to image: Someone else might outshine them, expose their lies, or simply receive more admiration.
- Threat to exposure: Events bring people together, and among them could be someone who’s seen behind their mask.
When these threats collide, chaos becomes their coping mechanism.
By destabilizing you, they reestablish their sense of power.
They need to feel like the emotional conductor, deciding who smiles, who cries, and when peace is allowed to return.
The calm before an event unnerves them because it reminds them they’re not the center of gravity.
Years ago, before a job interview, a moment I’d worked toward, my narcissistic mom started an argument over a misplaced mug.
She accused me of being careless, then spiraled into tears about how “no one appreciates her.”
I ended up late and anxious.
Looking back, it wasn’t about the mug at all.
It was about control slipping from her grasp, and her fear of being emotionally irrelevant in a moment that wasn’t hers to own.
12 Common Triggers Behind Their Pre-Event Drama
1. They Don’t Want to Go
When narcissists dread an event, they’ll pick a fight so no one goes.
Once, before my cousin’s art exhibit, my mother’s younger sister complained of a sudden “migraine.”
But the moment my dad and I offered to stay home with her, she perked up.
She only wanted to avoid an event that wasn’t about her, while ensuring no one else enjoyed it either.
The drama becomes their excuse, and your guilt becomes their ticket out.
2. They Don’t Want You to Go
Your independence threatens their control.
When you look good, succeed, or show confidence, they interpret it as abandonment.
The night before my first public speaking event, my toxic brother mocked my outfit, calling it “trying too hard.”
It stung enough to make me rethink my confidence.
He smirked, satisfied, when I hesitated to leave.
That’s their goal: to make your light flicker just before you shine. They’d rather ruin your night than risk being forgotten or compared.
3. They Need to Prove They Still Have Power
Narcissists equate your emotional reaction with proof of their dominance.
The more upset you get, the more powerful they feel.
Before my dad’s retirement dinner, my manipulative sister “accidentally” brought up an old argument about money.
I stayed silent, and she said, “Oh, so now you’re pretending you’re above everyone?”
That’s the trap.
Even silence feeds their narrative, because it shows they still influence your emotional state.
4. They Can’t Stand Seeing You Happy
Happiness, to a narcissist, is competition.
One time, I was humming while arranging flowers for my father’s birthday.
My mother walked in and sighed, “You always overdo things. No one even notices.”
The energy shifted instantly, and I felt small again.
That’s the tactic. Tie your happiness to dread until you stop celebrating altogether, making you easier to manage, quieter, and more dependent.
5. They Want to Plant Doubt in Your Mind
Some narcissists prefer subtle sabotage. They disguise manipulation as concern.
Before a seminar I’d worked months to attend, my toxic sibling said, “Are you sure it’s worth the cost? You’ve been so tired lately.”
The words seemed caring, but the goal was self-doubt.
By the time I arrived, my excitement was laced with guilt.
They want the “choice” to stay small to feel like yours.
6. They Want the Attention Back on Them
Narcissists are addicted to the emotional spotlight.
When they feel sidelined, they’ll create crises to reclaim it.
Once, before my dad’s minor surgery, my self-absorbed brother stormed out because “no one asked about his new job.”
The focus immediately shifted. From a father in a hospital gown to a sulking man-child in the waiting room.
That’s how they re-center the narrative: through chaos.
Even funerals or emergencies become their stage.
7. They Want to Ruin Opportunities for You
Your growth is their threat.
Promotions, reunions, even volunteering, anything that expands your confidence is dangerous to them.
They feel smaller every time you rise, and rather than reflect, they retaliate.
Before my first podcast guesting, my jealous sister sent me a long message listing “everything I should fix” in my voice and delivery.
I recorded the episode trembling, second-guessing myself.
That’s how narcissists operate.
If they can’t stop your opportunity, they’ll make you self-sabotage it and then act innocent, pretending they were only “helping.”
8. They Want You to Cancel (So They Don’t Have To)
Narcissists push you until you quit, then blame you for “being dramatic.”
One morning, I was ready for a charity brunch when my narcissistic parent started shouting about how “no one helps her.”
I tried to calm her, then felt too drained to leave.
When I finally said, “I’ll just stay,” she replied sweetly, “See? I knew you didn’t really want to go.”
That’s control disguised as relief.
9. They Want to Control Where You Go and Who You See
They might not forbid you outright. That would expose them. Instead, they create emotional minefields so you yourself choose isolation.
My controlling brother used to “joke” about my friends being “fake.”
Over time, I stopped inviting them over just to avoid his commentary.
What I didn’t realize then was that he’d won. He’d controlled my social world through exhaustion, not authority.
The message beneath every argument is simple: “I decide what you’re allowed to enjoy.”
10. They Want You Constantly Uneasy
When every happy moment feels like walking on eggshells, your nervous system adapts to chaos.
That’s the goal.
Unpredictability keeps you off balance and emotionally dependent.
Before my husband and I left for a weekend trip, a narcissistic family member suddenly accused me of “forgetting family.”
It ruined my calm, and I spent half the trip thinking about her anger instead of relaxing.
That’s how they trap you, by teaching your mind to expect tension even in peace.
11. They Fear Someone at the Event Might Expose Them
Narcissists live in fear of being unmasked.
They dread running into people who’ve seen behind their charm.
At a family christening, my mother refused to attend because my father’s cousin, who once confronted her lies, would be there.
She pretended to be ill, but the truth was fear.
They’d rather cause drama than risk being exposed in front of witnesses.
12. They Enjoy Seeing You Disappointed
Some narcissists enjoy your disappointment. It reassures them that they still hold emotional power.
I once spent hours baking a surprise cake for my toxic mom’s birthday.
She took one bite and said, “It’s too sweet.” Then she smiled, not kindly, but with satisfaction.
That micro-expression stays with you.
It’s not about the cake. It’s about confirming that they can still dictate your emotional weather.
Their Drama Isn’t About You
A narcissist’s chaos was never proof of love, concern, or “just being emotional.” It was proof of control.
Every last-minute meltdown, guilt trip, and guilt-soaked sigh was a psychological tactic, not a reflection of your worth.
You didn’t cause their storms. You were simply standing too close when they started spinning.
And once you step back, you realize the storm was always about their fear, insecurity, and need to dominate every emotional climate.
The best revenge isn’t confrontation. It’s follow-through.
Go to the event. Smile in your photos. Celebrate your wins. Laugh louder. Dance longer.
Their power fades the moment you stop feeding it.
Because when you stop letting their drama dictate your joy, every celebration becomes yours again.
Peaceful, intentional, and beautifully untouchable.
Related posts:
- 6 Smart Ways to Call a Narcissist ‘Are You Dumb?’ Without Them Catching On
- Why Explaining Narcissistic Abuse Is Pointless And What I Did Instead
- The Hack That Finally Shattered a Narcissist’s Spell (And Had Me Laughing The Whole Way)
- 7 Silent Ways to Show a Narcissist Your Worth (Without Saying a Word)
- Why Narcissistic Abuse Makes You Feel Goosebumps When Truth Hits Home
