This Is Why Narcissists Act Like They Don’t Understand, When They Clearly Do!

Ever had a narcissist look you dead in the eye and say, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” right after doing something that hurt you?

I have lost count of how many times that happened between my narcissistic family and I.

I remember standing in my kitchen, shaking, trying to explain to someone I loved how their words had hurt me. Their response? A shrug and a confused, “I don’t remember saying that.”

And just like that, my anger turned into doubt. Did I imagine it? Was I being too sensitive?

If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone. This kind of emotional bait-and-switch is all too common with narcissists.

So let’s get honest:

They do understand. They just pretend not to. And here’s why.

Why Narcissists Act Like They Don’t Understand?

It’s not that they forget. It’s that pretending to forget works in their favor.

A while back, I told a friend I was struggling after a loss. I asked her not to bring up certain topics. She agreed and then brought it up in front of a group just days later.

When I confronted her, she looked surprised: “Wait, you never told me that was off-limits.”

Except, I had. I remembered the exact conversation.

She was gaslighting me.

This kind of behavior shows up in different ways:

They act clueless, not because they are, but because it keeps them in control.

According to the American Sociological Association, this manipulation is classic gaslighting, a tactic that can cause the victim to question their memory, perception, and even sanity.

Emotional Dodge: If They “Don’t Get It,” They’re Not Accountable

One of the most frustrating games narcissists play is pretending they don’t understand what you’re saying, even after you’ve explained it clearly, repeatedly, and with every ounce of patience you have.

Why? Because acting confused is a convenient way to dodge responsibility.

My narcissist ex was a pro at this. He’d do something that hurt me, ignore my boundaries, say something cruel, twist my words, and then follow it up with:

“I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.”

And every time I explained it (again), he’d act surprised.

“Oh, I didn’t know that’s how you felt.”
“You never said that before.”

Yes. I did.

But when someone doesn’t want to get it, no amount of clarity will make them listen. That’s the trap.

Pretending not to understand keeps the spotlight off them and puts the pressure on you to “clarify” again, be calmer, more patient, more reasonable. It turns their behavior into your communication failure.

Suddenly, you’re the dramatic one.
You’re the one “overreacting.”
You’re the one who “makes everything an issue.”

But here’s the truth: they understand just fine.

They’re not clueless. They’re calculated.

They know that if they truly acknowledge your pain or take accountability, they’d have to change.

And they don’t want that. They want to maintain control over the narrative, over you, and over how they’re perceived.

So they act confused. They deflect. They dodge.

And while they protect their ego, you’re left questioning your sanity.

This isn’t miscommunication. It’s manipulation.

Narcissists Weaponize Your Empathy

Narcissists are skilled at using your heart against you.

They know you want to give people the benefit of the doubt. You want to believe they just didn’t understand, that maybe if you explain it one more time, things will change.

But here’s what really happens:

I’ve been there.

Once, after a serious talk where I clearly stated a boundary, my partner nodded and said all the right things. A week later, he broke it, then claimed he didn’t “realize it mattered so much.”

Of course he did. He just didn’t want to honor it.

Every time you explain again, you’re unknowingly stepping deeper into their web. They’re not confused. They’re buying time. Wearing you down. Rewriting the story until you doubt your own truth.

Real Examples of This in Action

To someone on the outside, these moments might look small. Harmless. Forgettable.

But to those of us who’ve lived through them, they’re anything but.

They’re the emotional paper cuts that add up, until you’re bleeding out self-doubt and wondering if you’re the one who’s overreacting.

1. My narcissistic mom ‘forgot’ what I told her, then used it against me.

I asked her not to bring up my anxiety at a family gathering. She said she understood.

That weekend, in front of everyone, she casually said, “Well, you know how anxious she gets…”

When I confronted her?

“You never said that. Don’t be so dramatic.”

It wasn’t forgetfulness. It was a setup. And the gaslighting that followed made me question if I had imagined the whole thing.

2. My toxic ex said he didn’t know that tone bothered me, even after I told him 15 times.

His sarcasm always cut deep. I told him calmly. Then firmly. Then through tears.

Every time, he acted like it was new information.

“I didn’t know that bothered you.”

Eventually, I stopped complaining. I started wondering if I was being too sensitive.

I wasn’t. He just pretended not to understand so he wouldn’t have to change.

3. My boss kept ‘missing’ my boundaries.

I asked him not to contact me after work hours unless it was urgent.

He said okay… and still messaged me at 10 p.m.

When I brought it up?

“Oh, I thought it was fine since you replied last time.”

These aren’t misunderstandings. They’re patterns.

And the end result is always the same: they dodge accountability, and you spiral into guilt, shame, and confusion.

It’s not an apology. It’s a performance.

What They Really Understand (But Don’t Want You to Know)

Let’s get something straight: narcissists aren’t clueless. They’re calculated.

When they shrug and say, “I don’t get why you’re so upset,” or “I didn’t mean it like that,” it’s not because they don’t understand what they did.

It’s because pretending not to understand lets them avoid accountability and keep control.

I can’t count how many times I broke things down calmly, clearly, even gently, thinking maybe they just didn’t realize how their words hurt me.

But they did. They always did. They just didn’t care enough to take responsibility.

Acting confused is their shield. If they don’t understand, they can’t fix it… and they don’t have to change. Convenient, right?

It’s emotional manipulation masked as ignorance. And the worst part? It makes you start questioning if maybe you are asking for too much. Spoiler: you’re not.

Narcissists are masters at playing dumb when it benefits them.

But trust me, they understand exactly what they’re doing when they dismiss your feelings, ignore your boundaries, or act like your pain is an overreaction.

They just don’t want to deal with the consequences of their behavior.

So the next time someone acts confused after hurting you? Stop explaining. Stop pleading. They don’t need clarity. They need consequences.

Why Arguing or Explaining Doesn’t Work With Narcissists?

One of the hardest and most painful truths I’ve had to learn is this:

You can’t explain your way into someone’s empathy if they’re committed to misunderstanding you.

When you’re dealing with a narcissist, explaining isn’t communication. Its performance. It’s emotional labor that goes nowhere. Not because they don’t understand you, but because they don’t want to.

They pretend they don’t get it. They act confused.
They twist your words into something unrecognizable.

You’ll repeat yourself. Clarify. Break it down into the simplest terms. And somehow, they’ll still “miss the point” until you’re the one questioning your own memory, your own tone, your own damn sanity.

But let me tell you: it’s not a misunderstanding. It’s a tactic.

They know exactly what they’re doing. Keeping you stuck in the loop. Making you believe that if you just said it the right way, they’d finally get it.

But the truth is, the goal was never clarity—it was control.

They win when you’re exhausted. When you give up on expressing your needs. When you stop trusting your own voice because you’ve explained yourself so many times and still “got it wrong.”

Here’s the reframe that saved me:

Save your energy for healing. Not for convincing someone who’s already decided to pretend they don’t hear you.

Do This Instead When Narcissists Act Like They Don’t Understand

Let’s be real, narcissists understand you just fine. I can say this with confidence because I’ve been there years ago, grew up with a few, and dated one myself.

They just pretend not to because it keeps you explaining, defending, and exhausting yourself trying to get through to someone who’s already made up their mind to ignore you.

So when you hit that wall of “I don’t get what you’re saying” or “You’re making a big deal out of nothing,” don’t take the bait.

This isn’t about changing them. It’s about protecting you.

Here’s what’s worked for me and for so many others who’ve walked this same confusing, infuriating path:

You don’t owe them endless explanations or emotional labor just because they pretend not to “get it.”

That’s the game. Confuse you. Wear you down. Make you chase their approval.

But you’re not chasing anymore. You’re choosing peace. And that’s how you win.

Quick Recap And Key Takeaway

• Narcissists don’t forget. They pretend to forget because it keeps them in control.
• Acting confused isn’t innocence, it’s manipulation.
• If they truly didn’t understand, they’d ask with care. Instead, they dodge and deflect.
• Explaining yourself over and over isn’t clarity, it’s emotional exhaustion.
• You’re not “too sensitive.” You’re reacting to someone refusing to take responsibility.

You don’t need to keep repeating yourself to be heard.

You need boundaries, peace, and the reminder that you’re not crazy, you’re being gaslit.

The moment you stop over-explaining and start protecting your energy is the moment you take your power back.

You’re not the problem. You’re waking up to the problem. And that’s what healing looks like.

Bottom Line: You’re Not Confused

If you’ve been walking on eggshells, constantly replaying conversations in your head, trying to figure out if you were unclear, too emotional, or just “too much”, you’re not.

You’re not the problem. You’ve just been surrounded by people who pretend not to understand you, so they don’t have to take responsibility.

They know exactly what they’re doing. They hear you. They just don’t want to get it, because if they did, they’d have to change.

You don’t need to keep explaining yourself to someone who’s made a habit of dismissing your pain. You need boundaries. You need peace. And most of all? You need to rebuild your trust in yourself.

That’s exactly what The Next Chapter is here to help you do.

If you’re done second-guessing your truth and ready to create a life that feels calm, honest, and free, this step-by-step healing roadmap will show you how.

Because the real power move? Stop explaining. Start healing. Your clarity doesn’t need their approval. It just needs your permission.