5 Argument Tactics Narcissists Use to Manipulate You (And Make You Feel Like the Crazy One)

When I first fought back against my narcissistic family members, I felt as if it was my fault.

Looking back, this was, in fact, an experience shared by many others.

So if you ever leave arguments with a great blur on what truly happened, you’re not alone.

If you ever feel as if you were the problem or you couldn’t pinpoint exactly how the argument escalated, take a second to look at the other person.

Maybe it’s just a narcissist trying to take control of you. Maybe it’s already a sign of abuse.

They hold their power over you by making you feel an overwhelming sense of a feeling they mostly don’t possess… guilt.

By making you feel guilty, they can basically make you do whatever they want by virtue of “owing” them something.

All they will leave you is a pattern of feeling lost, doubting, and second-guessing yourself, and a great deal of emotional exhaustion. 

If you want to know what to look out for, this article is for you.

I will be breaking down five arguments narcissists use to take control of you and make you question your own sanity. 

1. Ad Hominem Attacks: “You’re Too Sensitive”

What It Looks Like?

Have you experienced when someone brings up something that’s less about the argument and more about yourself just to get under your skin? 

This is a classic case of an Ad Hominem attack.

Narcissists happen to like this tactic a lot, as it gives them the power to make you second-guess, as if you’re the one blowing things out of proportion.

“You always play the victim.”

These words make me almost drop the argument altogether, despite how upset I truly am.

I would ask myself, “Have I taken things too far? Or am I the one being unreasonable here?“

Why It Works?

Suddenly, I stop focusing on the argument at hand and focus more on what they just said about me.

What was once an argument about something that profoundly hurt me has turned into an argument about me.

And this is exactly what the narcissist wants.

They want to see you lose your composure, stop being rational, and start becoming emotionally triggered.

Just like that, they completely evaded the argument.

As a bonus, they get to feel “entertained” by seeing you become completely caught up in their unsolicited attack.

What to Do Instead?

I eventually realized that to truly win an argument against a narcissist, I shouldn’t give them what they want.

They want to get a rise out of you and disarm you to avoid a rational argument.

Instead, I didn’t stop and tried to defend my character.

I know my worth. I know what I am and what I’m not. They will NEVER be able to dictate who I am.

I stuck to the facts and became rational about the situation. 

Becoming bait to their red herrings will just make you lose yourself in the argument and make you feel as if you’re the one being irrational.

If you find yourself in this situation, firmly hold the facts you know and stand your ground.

2. False Dichotomy: “You’re Either With Me or Against Me”

What It Looks Like?

The narcissists from my family would always give me ultimatums, often with two options: you’re either with me or against me.

Are you on my side or not? I thought I was someone important to you.

They start your relationship on the line as a twisted way of winning the argument.

Why It Works?

Suddenly, you’re trapped in a situation where you can only choose one.

Win the argument or lose the person, what do I choose?

If you choose yourself, you’ll lose them instead.

They like to make you think as if you’re selfish for choosing yourself over them.

What to Do Instead?

No, I should see the dialectics of this situation; someone can be important to me while acknowledging what they did wrong.

Instead of thinking there is no way out, call out their manipulation.

There are more than two ways to see this; you can still be on their side while seeing the wrongdoings they have.

Your feelings are valid, even though to them, it may not be.

If they truly, genuinely care about you, they’ll know better than to put your relationship on the line.

3. Straw Man: “So You’re Saying I’m a Terrible Person?”

What It Looks Like?

When I tried to fight back against my toxic sister for stealing what I’ve worked hard for, she turned the entire family against me.

It was as if my words were turned into something I would never dare say.

Narcissists turn your own words against you, by making them mean something that is far from what you meant.

Why It Works?

Instead of focusing on the argument, you get caught up in trying to explain that they misunderstood what you said. 

So you think I’m just a bitter, jealous person trying to take everything you have? After all we’ve been through together?

Such words arose from pointing out the fact that the narcissist is jealous.

They start to use their own narcissism to stray away from the argument; they make it all about themselves.

What to Do Instead?

This is all their “misunderstanding” of your words. It’s not your responsibility to “correct” your statement.

Go back to your original point and don’t fall victim to their bait.

They know what they’re doing, so don’t give them a chance to make you feel as if you’re the villain.

4. Red Herring: “What About That Time You Forgot My Birthday?”

What It Looks Like?

I came to realize over the years that narcissists love to use your own guilt and your past mistakes against you.

Out of nowhere, you’ll hear statements like “Selfish? You were the one who didn’t make time for such an important event for me because you were ‘busy’.”.

The things you’ve held with guilt for a long time have suddenly been weaponized for their benefit.

Why It Works?

As guilt rushes over my body during these times, I couldn’t help but feel as if I need to apologize, something they clearly can’t do without ulterior motives.

Now, the focus is on your past mistake instead of the present argument.

If you chase this red herring, the argument may turn more about your faults against the narcissists rather than taking accountability for their faults.

What to Do Instead?

In the past, I used to feel as if I had an obligation to address my mistakes in the past.

But here’s the thing: I don’t have to do that now.

I stood my ground and told them that the issue they brought up could be addressed later.

Right now, we have a current argument to settle.

Take your power back by not being stuck in the past, and instead, bring the focus back to the present.

5. Appeal to Hypocrisy: “Well, You’ve Lied Before Too”

What It Looks Like?

When a similar-sounding mistake from my past was brought up in relation to the argument, I was taken aback.

Am I a hypocrite for calling them out for something I did before?

I felt like the villain; I felt as if I was projecting my previous guilt onto their actions.

It takes a lot of experience to realize that this is exactly the reaction they want out of me.

Why It Works?

I find myself apologizing out of guilt over my past mistake.

Which was funny, because they’re the ones that should be apologizing now.

Narcissists do this to make you feel as if you’re a hypocrite and that you should be in the wrong

What to Do Instead?

But here’s the thing: what you did happened IN THE PAST.

Times have changed, you’ve grown as a person and matured enough to see that it was wrong.

Realizing that it was a mistake is already a sign of personal growth.

Now that you’ve changed and taken accountability for your mistake, the focus is on their wrongdoing.

No matter how badly it got in the past, it will never excuse similar behavior in the present.

Why Do You Keep Falling for It?

Narcissists know exactly what the best way to hurt you is, and they are scarily accurate about it.

I came across a study that stated that empathy is used by narcissists in antisocial ways.

They may relate to you and have the ability to understand your pain, but they’ll use that against you.

Instead of seeking accountability, they make you seek comfort in being where you are.

They condition you to prioritize them and the relationship you have over the reality that’s happening around you.

Essentially, they completely distorted your view of reality.

Once you see how they learned to perform empathy for their own advantage, you’ll start to see their real self.

How to Stay Grounded in a Gaslit Conversation?

Use a Mental Checklist

Narcissists will start using these tactics to distort your memory, cognition, and your thought patterns.

To see past them, ask yourself, Are they doing this to shift the blame and avoid accountability?

Are they turning my words into a twisted version to make me look like the villain?

Was I more confused than before by engaging in this argument?

This checklist helps you reclaim your view of what’s real by acknowledging that they’re simply using these tactics to win over you.

Reclaim The Frame

As I’ve dealt with narcissists who made me feel as if I owed my life to them, there comes a point where an important epiphany arrives.

I realized over the years that I don’t owe them anything!

Taking accountability for what they did (if they ever have the capacity to do that) is what I want.

But sometimes, being able to just speak my truth is enough.

You’re Not Crazy, You’re Just Waking Up

Once you realize you’ve been manipulated, an array of feelings starts washing over you.

I feel alone, overwhelmed, afraid, furious, conflicted… but I feel relieved.

You’re not selfish for seeking clarity; you did it for your own survival.

Their so-called love was weaponized against you; all they want is to assert control over you.

But now that you know how to see through the manipulation, you are already 10 steps ahead of them.

Stand your ground, and make them doubt their own manipulation.