10 Strange Ways a Narcissist Shows You They Love You (And Every One of Them Is a Red Flag)

Narcissistic love feels intoxicating while you are inside it, because it mirrors everything you have ever wanted to feel chosen, desired, and special.

But once the highs fade, you are left confused and emotionally depleted.

You are quietly wondering how something that felt so intense could hurt this much.

One night, I reread text messages filled with “I love you” and grand promises, then I felt an overwhelming sense of emptiness that I could not explain.

At the time, I blamed myself for being “too sensitive” or “too needy.”

I never considered that what I was experiencing was not love at all, but manipulation disguised as affection.

Narcissists do not love in healthy, mutual ways.

They perform love.

They study what devotion looks like and reenact it just convincingly enough to secure attachment, control, and admiration.

These ten strange behaviors are often mistaken for romance, loyalty, or passion.

Yet, each one is a psychological red flag that keeps you emotionally off-balance and tied to someone who was never capable of loving you back.

The 10 Strange Ways a Narcissist Shows You They “Love” You

1. With Their Words

Narcissists often say “I love you” early, frequently, and at moments that feel oddly strategic rather than sincere.

The words arrive after conflict, before consequences, or whenever they sense you pulling away.

It functions more like a reset button than an emotional truth.

I once noticed that “I love you” appeared most reliably right after I tried to express hurt.

It was as if the phrase itself was meant to end the conversation without addressing the toxic behavior that caused it.

Over time, the absence of action made the words feel hollow, yet I kept clinging to them because I wanted so badly for them to mean something.

When love exists only in language and not in consistency, words stop being reassuring and start becoming a form of emotional control.

2. With Performative Romance

Narcissists excel at grand gestures, elaborate dates, and romantic displays that look impressive from the outside but feel strangely empty on the inside.

The focus is rarely on connection, but on being seen as desirable and enviable.

There was one time that I had a lavish dinner with my narcissistic ex.

Everything was perfect except the part where I tried to talk about something meaningful and watched his eyes glaze over.

The night ended with photos, compliments, and validation for him, while I went home feeling lonelier than when I arrived.

Performative romance is about image management, not intimacy.

It often leaves you feeling like a prop in someone else’s highlight reel rather than a partner in a shared experience.

3. Through Physical Intimacy Without Emotional Bond

With narcissists, physical chemistry can feel passionate and addictive, which makes it easy to mistake sexual closeness for emotional connection.

But intimacy is used as a shortcut, allowing them to avoid vulnerability while still creating attachment.

I once confused the depth of physical closeness with emotional safety.

I assumed that passion meant care until I realized how unavailable they were outside the bedroom.

Sex became the only place where closeness existed, while emotional conversations were dismissed or minimized.

When intimacy replaces emotional presence, it creates a powerful illusion of love that keeps you bonded to someone who never truly sees you.

4. With Expensive Trips and Luxury

Narcissists often use big experiences, luxury gifts, or extravagant trips to distract from their emotional absence.

These moments feel special, but they also create obligation and unspoken leverage.

I once returned from a beautiful vacation feeling guilty for being unhappy, because on paper, everything looked perfect.

Yet the trip was filled with emotional distance and moments where my needs were dismissed, all hidden behind the price tag of the experience.

Romantic getaways should deepen connection, not silence your intuition.

When generosity is used to override emotional neglect, it becomes another form of control.

5. By Putting You on a Social Media Pedestal

Public devotion is a favorite tactic of narcissists, especially when it contrasts sharply with private indifference or cruelty.

Online, you are praised, adored, and showcased, while offline, your emotional needs remain unmet.

I remember scrolling through comments praising how “lucky” I was, while privately feeling unseen and dismissed in ways I could not articulate.

That public image later became protection for my toxic ex, because speaking up meant risking disbelief or judgment.

Social media admiration often serves as reputation insurance, ensuring that if you ever tell the truth, their curated narrative works against you.

6. By Pushing for Fast Commitment

Narcissists rush commitment by falling in love fast.

They use intense bonding, future promises, and rapid escalation that feels flattering but is designed to secure control.

Speed creates dependency before discernment has time to catch up.

I once mistook urgency for certainty.

I believed that fast commitment meant deep love, until I realized how little space there was for my autonomy or boundaries.

The faster things moved, the harder it became to question what felt wrong.

Healthy love unfolds steadily, while narcissistic love accelerates to trap you before clarity can emerge.

7. By Telling Everyone How Much They Love You

Narcissists often broadcast their devotion to friends and family, creating an external narrative that contradicts your internal reality.

These public declarations function as character witnesses rather than expressions of love.

I found myself silenced by my ex-narcissistic partner‘s compliments, wondering how I could complain when everyone believed I was adored.

His words built an alibi, while my pain remained invisible and invalidated.

Public praise that replaces private care is not love. It’s image management designed to isolate you further.

8. By Hurting You, Then Playing Hero

One of the most psychologically damaging patterns in narcissistic relationships is the manufactured cycle of emotional harm followed by dramatic repair.

The narcissist creates chaos and then reappears as the rescuer.

In this dynamic, relief is mistaken for love because the pain temporarily stops, and the nervous system finally gets a moment to breathe.

I remember the emotional whiplash of being ignored, criticized, or emotionally abandoned.

Days or hours later, it was followed by fake apologies and affection.

In those moments, I was not experiencing healing. I was experiencing relief, but I did not yet know the difference.

This cycle conditions you to associate love with survival rather than safety.

The bar shifts from “I feel respected and secure” to “At least the pain stopped.”

This keeps you emotionally dependent on the very person causing the harm.

Over time, your sense of normal becomes distorted, and calm begins to feel unfamiliar while chaos feels intimate.

9. With Gifts Meant to Buy Silence

Narcissists often replace accountability with material gestures.

They would offer gifts, money, or grand favors instead of emotional presence or responsibility for their actions.

These gifts are substitutes meant to bypass difficult conversations and neutralize your right to feel hurt.

I once received an expensive gift from my manipulative ex shortly after expressing deep emotional pain.

That same gift was referenced later as evidence that I was “ungrateful,” “dramatic,” or impossible to please.

The message was clear: my pain was invalid because they had paid enough to erase it.

Gifts like these are later weaponized, used to rewrite history and shift blame back onto you.

When generosity comes without accountability or change, it’s a transaction designed to purchase silence and compliance.

10. By Copying Your Personality

Mirroring feels magical at first because it creates the illusion of being deeply understood and uniquely chosen.

Narcissists study your values, interests, and even your wounds, then reflect them with startling precision to secure attachment quickly.

I was stunned by how perfectly aligned my controlling ex and I seemed at first.

I believed I had finally met someone who “got me” on a profound level.

Over time, however, inconsistencies began to surface.

The mask slowly slipped, revealing that the connection I felt was not mutual depth but strategic imitation.

What felt like destiny was actually data collection.

Mirroring is not connection, but a tactic designed to override discernment and anchor you emotionally before you can see who they really are.

How These “Loving” Behaviors Keep You Emotionally Off-Balance

Each of these narcissistic behaviors follows the same destabilizing rhythm: affection, withdrawal, and affection again.

This pattern keeps your nervous system in a constant state of activation.

Always scanning for danger while desperately trying to recreate the moments that felt warm, validating, or safe.

Over time, unpredictability conditions you to work harder for smaller and smaller scraps of affection.

You believe that if you just say the right thing, stay calm enough, or love harder, the “good version” of them will finally stay.

The moment I realized I was measuring happiness in brief moments rather than consistent patterns, I waited for relief instead of expecting stability.

This dynamic is not accidental.

Emotional confusion creates attachment, attachment weakens boundaries, and weakened boundaries make control easier.

Once you see the pattern clearly, the spell begins to break.

And with that clarity comes the quiet power of no longer participating in a game designed for you to lose.

Real Love Doesn’t Confuse You, Exhaust You, or Break You Down

Real love is steady, responsive, and grounded in mutual respect.

It does not require decoding or constant self-monitoring to maintain.

Healthy love allows you to feel safe being fully yourself, without fear of punishment or withdrawal.

Today, in a marriage built on kindness and consistency, I understand how distorted my earlier definitions of love were.

My husband’s care feels calm, not intoxicating, and supportive rather than destabilizing, which, once unfamiliar, now feels like home.

If something made you feel anxious, diminished, or constantly unsure of your worth, that discomfort was not weakness, but truth.

You are not broken for leaving relationships that drained you.

You are intelligent, perceptive, and capable of choosing a love that does not cost you yourself.