39 Marriage Quotes That Call Out the BS and Keep It Real

Marriage is no walk in the park. It’s more like a marathon where you occasionally trip over your partner’s shoes, forget the route, and argue about which way to turn.

But in between the chaos, there’s a lot of laughter, love, and moments where you can’t believe you found someone willing to put up with your quirks (and vice versa).

Trust me, I’ve been married long enough to know that all the romanticized versions of marriage don’t tell the full story. It’s not just roses and sunsets; it’s also compromise and “Can you stop leaving your wet towel on the bed?!”

That’s why I’ve compiled these 39 marriage quotes that ditch the fairy-tale nonsense and keep it real. These quotes are for those of us who love our partners but also wonder why they keep putting empty cartons back in the fridge.

You’ll laugh, you’ll nod in agreement, and you might even text a few of these to your spouse as a subtle hint.

The Reality of Marriage

1. “A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.” — Unknown (Just kidding, it’s from Irving Stone)
2. “Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.” — Susan Yates
3. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” — Henny Youngman
4. “Being married is like having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.” — Unknown (Nope, that’s Andy Borowitz)
5. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.” — Joyce Brothers
6. “Before marriage, a man will lay down his life for you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down the newspaper.” — Helen Rowland
7. “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.” — Billy Connolly
8. “The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.” — E. Joseph Cossman
9. “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” — Ogden Nash
10. “In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” — Rita Rudner

Love and Commitment

11. “To love is nothing. To be loved is something. But to love and be loved, that’s everything.” — T. Tolis
12. “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
13. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” — Mignon McLaughlin
14. “Love is not just looking at each other, it’s looking in the same direction.” — Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
15. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck
16. “In a great marriage, both people are playing for the same team.” — Ruth Bell Graham
17. “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” — Dr. Seuss
18. “There is no more lovely, friendly, and charming relationship, communion, or company than a good marriage.” — Martin Luther
19. “Love doesn’t make the world go round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” — Elizabeth Barrett Browning
20. “The greatest marriages are built on teamwork. A mutual respect, a healthy dose of admiration, and a never-ending portion of love and grace.” — Fawn Weaver

Call Out the BS in Marriage

21. “Marriage is a fine institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.” — Mae West
22. “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.” — Winston Churchill
23. “Marriage is a lot like the army; everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at how many re-enlist.” — James Garner
24. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” — Prince Philip
25. “When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.” — Richard Lewis
26. “The first time you marry for love, the second for money, and the third for companionship.” — Jackie Kennedy
27. “Husbands are like wine; they take a long time to mature.” — Donatella Versace
28. “I have a fear of marriage actually. A fear of committing to the wrong person.” — Scarlett Johansson
29. “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” — Henny Youngman
30. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” — Groucho Marx

Keeping the Spark Alive

31. “The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.” — Audrey Hepburn
32. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” — Phyllis Diller
33. “Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” — Aristotle
34. “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” — Ogden Nash
35. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Ann Bancroft
36. “Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.” — Tom Mullen
37. “Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it.” — Phyllis Schlafly
38. “My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” — Jack Benny
39. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns