How I Love Myself Again After Leaving Narcissists Behind (Even When Life Is Still Messy)

Leaving a narcissist doesn’t come with confetti. There’s no parade. No instant peace. Just silence… and a whole lot of emotional wreckage.

I thought cutting off my narcissistic family and leaving my narcissistic ex would feel like freedom. And in a way, it was. But it also felt like losing a part of myself I didn’t even recognize had been stolen.

I was out, but the damage followed me. I felt lost. I still questioned my worth. I still replayed the fights. I still wondered if maybe it was all my fault.

The truth? You don’t magically love yourself again just because you left. That’s where the real work begins.

And it’s messy. Confusing. Lonely as hell.

But it’s also powerful. Because once I stopped waiting for them to fix what they broke, I started picking up the pieces on my own terms.

Here’s how I started loving myself again, flaws, fears, rage, and all.

Step 1: I Stopped Waiting for Closure That Would Never Come

I used to fantasize about the day my toxic family would come back with an apology.

Something real. Something that showed they finally understood the pain they caused.
Maybe they’d cry. Maybe they’d admit they were wrong.
Maybe I’d finally feel seen.

Spoiler: it never happened. Narcissists don’t give closure. The sooner you understand that, the sooner you can actually move on!

Because narcissists don’t apologize. Not genuinely.
They deflect. They minimize. They twist it back onto you.

I realized I was wasting energy waiting for a moment that would never come.
Worse, I was putting my healing in their hands.

So I gave myself what they never would: closure.

I wrote a letter I’d never send. I screamed into pillows. I let the grief hit.

And then I started to let it go, not because they deserved forgiveness, but because I deserved peace.

Closure isn’t something you get from them.
It’s something you create when you finally stop needing their version of the ending.

Step 2: I Learned to Sit With the Mess Without Trying to Fix It Immediately

When I left the narcissists (family and ex), I thought I’d feel better right away. That maybe once the chaos was gone, I’d bounce back. Confident. Whole. Unbothered.

Instead? I was a mess.

I cried over stupid things. I missed people who destroyed me. I questioned everything, my decisions, my past, my future, even my own sanity.

And my first instinct? Fix it. Fast.
Get a new routine. Read a self-help book. Make a 30-day healing checklist. Move the hell on.

But here’s the truth no one talks about: healing isn’t a project. It’s a destination. It’s a disaster site you slowly rebuild from the inside out.

I had to learn how to just sit in it. Sit with the grief. The rage. The silence.
No edits. No sugarcoating. No pretending I had it all together.

It was uncomfortable as hell, but it was necessary.
Because every time I sat with the pain instead of running from it, I found another piece of myself buried under the wreckage.

You don’t have to rush your healing. You don’t have to explain it.
You just have to feel it, fully, and trust that something stronger is being built underneath the mess.

Step 3: I Rebuilt My Confidence by Doing Sh*t I Was Scared Of

After leaving the narcissist, my confidence wasn’t just low, it was nonexistent.
Years of being criticized, mocked, and second-guessed had left me unsure of everything.
I didn’t trust myself to make a decision. I didn’t believe I had value without their approval.

So no, I didn’t wake up one day suddenly “confident.”
I earned it by doing small, scary things every day.

I said “no” without explaining myself.
I went out to dinner alone and left my phone in my purse.
I posted something honest online without obsessing over likes.
I bought myself flowers, just because.

Each time I did something uncomfortable, something that made me feel exposed, I proved to myself that I could handle it.

And with every act of courage, no matter how small, I started feeling more like me. Not the version they tried to shrink. The real me.

Here’s what no one tells you:
Confidence isn’t born out of perfect circumstances, it’s built in the messy middle.
It’s what you gain when you show up for yourself over and over, even when you’re shaking. Especially when you’re shaking.

So start where you are.
Do the thing that scares you a little.
Let it be awkward, let it be messy, but do it anyway.

Because every time you choose yourself in those moments, you’re rebuilding a version of you they’ll never get to break again.

Step 4: I Gave Myself Permission to Be Angry, Not Just Sad

For a long time, I thought sadness was acceptable, but anger? That made me “bitter,” “too much,” or “not healed.”

So I swallowed it. Smiled through it. Tried to turn my rage into compassion like every Instagram quote told me to.

But here’s what I finally accepted:
I had every damn right to be angry.

I wasn’t overreacting. I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t toxic.
I was violated. Manipulated. Lied to. Gaslit. Disrespected. Over and over.

And being angry about that? That was human. That was honest.

The day I stopped trying to “pretty up” my pain and let myself rage—cry, scream, curse, journal it all, I started to feel lighter.

Because suppressed anger doesn’t disappear. It buries itself inside you and poisons your self-worth.

Letting yourself feel it isn’t weakness. It’s a boundary. It says:
“That was NOT okay, and I refuse to pretend otherwise.”

Your anger isn’t the problem. The people who made you feel guilty for having it?
That’s the real issue.

Step 5: I Created a Life That Felt Like Mine

When you’ve spent years tiptoeing around someone else’s moods, wants, and chaos… It’s easy to forget what you actually like.

I didn’t know what kind of music I enjoyed.
I couldn’t make a decision without hearing their voice in my head.
Every part of my life was built to keep someone else comfortable.

So I started small. I changed my phone wallpaper. I rewatched the shows I had once “not been allowed” to like.

I filled my space with things that made me feel good, colors, candles, playlists, plants, and peace. I stopped performing. I stopped asking for permission.

And slowly, this life I was creating?
It started feeling like home. Not the kind I escaped from, the kind I wanted to come back to.

That’s what healing is:
Reclaiming your space, your preferences, your choices.
Not living reactively, but intentionally.

You don’t need a five-year plan. Just one step today that feels like you.

Because every small “yes” to yourself is one giant “no” to who they tried to turn you into.

Step 6: I Learned to Trust Myself Again (In Tiny, Awkward Steps)

“Time is free, but it’s priceless. You can’t own it, but you can use it. You can’t keep it, but you can spend it. Once you’ve lost it, you can never get it back.” – Harvey MacKay

After years of being manipulated, second-guessed, and blamed, I didn’t just walk away from the narcissist, I walked away from myself.

I couldn’t trust my gut. I questioned every decision.
Even ordering food felt overwhelming. What if I got it “wrong”?

That’s the damage no one talks about. It’s not just what they did, it’s what they made you do to yourself.

So I started rebuilding trust the only way I knew how: Tiny, awkward steps.

I journaled my thoughts and didn’t edit them. I made choices without texting three people first.
I asked myself: “What do I actually want?” and I waited for the answer.

Sometimes I got it wrong. But sometimes… I got it right.
And those moments reminded me: my intuition isn’t broken, it’s just been buried.

Rebuilding trust with yourself isn’t a light switch. It’s more like a muscle. Weak from disuse, but still there.

Every time you listen to yourself, believe yourself, and choose yourself, you’re getting stronger.

You’re not crazy. You were conditioned to doubt.

And now? You’re unlearning all of it.

Step 7: I Prioritize Progress and Results

After leaving the narcissist, I thought healing would feel like a huge emotional breakthrough.
Like one day I’d wake up full of self-love and peace and never look back.

What I get instead? A whole lot of quiet. A lot of “meh.” And honestly? It felt boring.

I was used to emotional whiplash, high highs, devastating lows, and constant drama.
And without all that chaos, I didn’t know who I was or how to feel.

But here’s what I learned:
Healing isn’t thrilling. It’s steady.
It’s drinking your coffee hot. Sleeping through the night. Saying no and not spiraling afterward.

Once I stopped chasing the feeling of healing and started noticing the evidence of it, everything changed.

No more anxiety before checking my phone.
No more apologizing for having boundaries.
No more craving their attention like oxygen.

That’s progress. If you’re deep in the boring middle right now, don’t rush it.

Because peace might not feel exciting, but it’s the most powerful kind of progress there is.

Step 8: I Realized Self-Love Isn’t Pretty, It’s Fierce!

For the longest time, I thought self-love meant bubble baths, crystals, and cute little affirmations whispered into a mirror.

But after narcissistic abuse? That version of self-love felt like a bad joke.

Because real self-love? It’s not soft. It’s not polished. It’s fierce. Messy. Unapologetic.

It’s blocking their number without explaining.
It’s saying “no” and not losing sleep over it.
It’s walking away from family who guilt you, and friendships that only drain you.

Self-love is doing the hard, unglamorous sh*t no one claps for, especially when you’re scared.

It’s choosing not to pick up the phone. It’s unfollowing someone who still triggers you.
It’s deleting the message you want to send because you finally realize your peace is worth more than their attention.

Loving yourself after narcissistic abuse isn’t about feeling beautiful.

It’s about reclaiming your power in every single moment you used to give it away.

So no, it’s not pretty. But damn, I feel powerful and bold!

Quick Recap And Key Takeaway

Loving yourself after leaving a narcissist isn’t a cute Instagram quote; it’s a battle.
You’ll question everything. You’ll grieve. You’ll rage. But piece by piece, you’ll rebuild.

And it won’t be perfect, but it’ll be yours.

Final Thoughts: It’s Time to Choose You

Leaving the narcissist was step one. Loving yourself again? That’s the real journey.

You’re still allowed to be messy. You’re still healing.
But you’re showing up. You’re doing the work.
And that makes you powerful beyond words.

If you’re tired of picking up the pieces alone, I’ve got you.

The Next Chapter is my step-by-step program for rebuilding your self-worth, confidence, and life after the narcissist.

No fluff. No guilt. Just real healing from someone who’s been there.

You left them behind. Now let’s help you find you again.